I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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