I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
