if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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