just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Let's paint friendship bongs
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
