Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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