you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
