his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Found the puke drawer
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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