If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
