By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
