saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Your penis caused this!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
