Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
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In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
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Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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