The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just blew my weed a kiss
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
