Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
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ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
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If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
we're so committed to being not committed
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