with your own penis?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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