i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
