i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My penis needs a shock collar
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
