then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
