I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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