just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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