I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
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you inspire me to be a worse person
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
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We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.