you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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