we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
