when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize