waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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