the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
