time to smoke my breakfast
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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