he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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