did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
