I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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