Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
you will always have a special place in my vag
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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