While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
