Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
