No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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