I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Randomize
