the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
