i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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