why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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