i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
