Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
handjob tips. give me some.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
