No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
