Will you blow on my dice?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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