My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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