My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
