I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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