My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
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Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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