I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
