life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
