That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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