We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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