Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
