If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
