i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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