Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
