I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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