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can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
this will be a night to untag.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
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