there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
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i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
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Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh