What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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