why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
