whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
