Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
