Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
