oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
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Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
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You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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