Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize